The Gift

For the past few weeks I’ve felt like I have been sad, creatively clueless and suffering.  Unfortunately, it feels like I don’t have the energy to find a way to get a jump start.  My local chapter of the MS society is offering a 6 week writing workshop online, and I’m apprehensive for my writing to be critiqued right now. I don’t think I would take it constructively at all.  Actually, it would just feel like someone is hitting me…which I was told (in another workshop) was a problem – “It’s just writing, it’s not a part of you.”

And I wondered, if it’s not a part of me why write anything?

You can be trained to do head writing, but heart writing – you either have it, or you don’t.

The past few weeks, maybe months – my heart writing has been on vacation.

If I wrote only to get a paycheck, I’d be in a great deal of trouble.  Perhaps I’m already in a great deal of trouble, because I rely heavily on inspiration – and as Picasso said, inspiration has to find you working.pablo

I read through a few pages of two of my old journals for about a half an hour this morning, and I felt a peace I haven’t had in a while. It was not because of anything I read, but because of how quiet it was inside and out. I wasn’t paying attention to anything else.  It was me and my journal.  My journal had all of my attention.  It was something I had not experienced in a long time, and it was just the break my me needed.

Some still, some quiet, some rest.

Usually, doing something can help jump start my creative mind, but this time, it wasn’t doing something as much as it was doing nothing.

Maybe I can listen to some Ueland, who specifically points to doing nothing as a way to spark creativity (I forgot). I loved that book, haven’t listened to it in too long. Her words are very encouraging, I think anyone who has a creative mind should hear her words. Listening to the book, although it is abridged, is a real treat. (It is narrated by Pat Carroll)

As difficult as I find writing at times, it is my very quiet passion.

God gave it to me.

 

A Heavy Heart

My first year of college, I did a major paper on The Civil Rights Movement.

I slept with the lights on for a week.

I am the first generation of my family to grow up in this country.

It isn’t my MS that causes me to pause when I think about having children, it is the target my child will have on him courtesy of me.  I don’t like stating such things, it makes me feel as if I’m not trusting EVERYTHING to God, and if I truly am – none of that is my concern. Sometimes it is the most difficult thing to remember.

I don’t understand such hate.

I don’t know if I’m capable – If I am

I don’t want to know.