So the day has officially come. I am the only one of my tiny group of friends who is not married. Well, the last friend is not married yet, just engaged, but still, I’m not there – not even close. I was waiting for the twinge of sadness, longing, jealousy – something, but thank God they didn’t knock me down or run me over. It does hurt my heart that I probably won’t be able to play a larger part in one of my oldest friend’s ceremony, but that’s just life right now.I know my friend, and I know that when we were in school, she had her whole ceremony mapped out. She has been longing for the day for such a long time and after being stalled by more than one joker, the day has finally come. She said that he noticed how decisive she was, and I said to her – that’s because you’ve known what you’ve wanted for so long. She sent a picture of the bridesmaids dress to my sister, and I said – it’s a purple dress inst it? And it was! And I can only marvel at how true she has remained to herself. I too had my whole wedding planned out. I remember ditching my literature homework and writing out everything I wanted. Perhaps I was 19 or 20 and totally pre MS. I still have that little book, and if I manage to look at those pages, I marvel again. Who was that person and does she have any idea how tiring it would be to do even 1/2 of that unnecessary stuff.??
If I could meet 20 year old me, I would tell her – worry much more about your marriage, and a lot less about a wedding ceremony. Weddings are for a few hours. It is important that your marriage lasts longer than that :-).
My current life is so complicated, I know it would take a very special man to walk into it – to choose to have MS with me, which is one of the reasons I’m not…tripping. I want a husband, I want to be my husband’s wife. I don’t just want to be married, for the longest time I did not realize they were two different things. Being single isn’t the easiest thing, but being married to the wrong person is much harder. Soul crushing actually. I do not want that. I could not live with that misery. Marriage can be difficult enough with two healthy people. I’ll wait.